it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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