Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
