Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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