I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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