I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
