Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
