If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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