Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
