Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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