In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
