K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
