I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
