Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
