Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
