Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
