So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
