You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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