So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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