the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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