What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
