my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
