i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
