I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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