you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
