tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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