It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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