Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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