remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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