You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
