i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
