my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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