So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
