sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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