Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
