I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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