I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Drunk is not a location!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
