i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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