Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
