he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
