I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you bring me the toilet please
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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