Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I fill condoms, not promises.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
