life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
