people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
