cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
