Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
