Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
