If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
