Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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