There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im holly from the hills drunk
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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