the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
