You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
