my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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