It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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