I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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