i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
