I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
