hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
