do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
