I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
