i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
