I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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