My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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