sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
