So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
