Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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