He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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