There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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