the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
